Chicago IL — 3rd year medical student David Bao, announced in a press conference yesterday that he will be applying into dermatology, a day after receiving his USMLE Step 2 score of 269. The press conference, live streamed on Instagram, was held in the Dingleberry Health Sciences Library conference room. Lactated Zingers Media and one other guest were in attendance, which was Mr. Bao’s mother.

“Thank you all for coming today. I want to formally announce my intention to enter the 2025 dermatology match, after a research year in Miami. It took a lot of soul searching, but I just realized how incredibly passionate I am about $kin [sic] pathology.” Bao said, throwing out dollar bills to the crowd.

“I recently found out that my great-grandmother had suffered a debilitating skin condition called actinic keratosis, and my great-grandfather had a condition called nevus. It was so incredibly brave of them to live their lives in the face of these pre-cancerous and benign lesions, respectively. They never had access to skin care. After discovering this, I decided to devote my life to skin care, so people like my pawpah will never suffer again,” Bao was noted to be reading off a draft of his personal statement, according to a source.

“Genuinely, I never imagined I would do dermatology. I kind of stumbled upon it,” said Bao. A PubMed search revealed that Bao has 37 dermatology publications, including a JAMA article on trichrome armpit vitiligo dating back to 2007.

“I guess you can say I’ll be taking my talents to South Beach next year,” said Bao, evoking LeBron James infamous ‘decision.’ He continued harkening back to James’ notorious words: “Not one, not two, not three, not four, not five, not six, not seven [hundred thousand]…” he said, referring to his anticipated attending salary according to recent MGMA reports.

“It’s not about the money though. You know what they say: Moh money, Moh problems. Mohs surgeons say this all the time.” At press time, Lactated Zingers Media reached out to every practicing Mohs surgeon in the country, and none of them verified they have ever said that.