Miami, FL

BREAKING NEWS: The wife and children of Dr. Boyce “Bradwick” O’Hearn III, MD, the illustrious chair of orthopedic surgery at the University of Miami, have officially entered a collective bargaining agreement regarding unionization.

Per an anonymous source, 17 year old son Wyatt O’Hearn hand delivered the family’s 14 day notice to Dr. O’Hearn, who responded with “who are you?”

“You better lawyer up, Dad. We’re not putting up with these conditions anymore.” said Wyatt, the oldest of the O’Hearn brothers.

“Stop it, Conor, you’re being silly” Dr. O’Hearn said, mistakenly identifying his eldest son for his senior resident Conor O’Sullivan, PGY-5, who has been leading unionization efforts among the residency program that were recently quashed after Dr. O’Hearn leaked O’Sullivan’s nudes on the OrthoNation discord server.

In a document leaked to Lactated Zingers, the 14 day notice included a 69-point list of grievances against Dr. O’Hearn that were absolutely scathing and borderline salacious. Wife Linda O’Hearn, a licensed sex therapist, complained of her husband’s repeated affairs with Stryker reps, and called for regulations to “limit Stryker rep interactions to sterile operating environments only.” Another demand stated “out of wedlock coitus be limited to three and a half times per month.”

The children’s demands portrayed Dr. O’Hearn in an unflattering light as well. “We demand a living wage,” wrote Wyatt, “our allowance is barely enough to pay for equestrian lessons and new lacrosse sticks.” Youngest son Tagg O’Hearn cited “a toxic workplace environment amongst siblings,” and a “lack of support from ancillary staff, from yard workers to trusted family butler Remington.” Lactated Zingers reached out to Remington for comment, who did not respond.

“I’m not going to lie, reading the 14 day notice was a big ego blow. I’m like a big bone: even though I’m rock solid physically–have you seen me squat?–people forget that I’m also sensitive and densely innervated underneath my rough exterior. But I’m confident I will get through this. I’ve survived super-gonorrhea. 28 hour trauma call. Neurosurgeons taking away my spine cases. Unions don’t scare me, and neither does my son Conor.”